Episode Three

And here I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than last week's episode. That's what I get for thinking. (Big sigh.) Okay...

The show opens with Mimi donning a pair of sullied thong panties and making the Walk of Shame from DaPlayer's sticky bedsheets. Let's all take a moment to laugh and point, shall we? Go on, do it. Hahahaha! Stupid skank! Hahahaha! All done? Okay, moving on...

[Please note: my mom joined me again for this episode, and thus you shall be privy to more Mom-isms. If you ever doubted just how disgustingly vile this show is, just watch and see what it does to my normally soft-spoken, mild-mannered mommy figure.]

Foley discovers the mess in the kitchen, splattered in a frenzy during the recent loveplay. "Where's Mimi?" asks Foley, playing dumb. She knows Mimi is wrapped in DaPlayer's sticky sheets, but pretends not to know so she won't have to acknowledge the fact that she was tossed aside in favor of an overplucked herpes-ridden skank...in other words, a girl just like herself.

DaPlayer, all sweaty in post-coital bliss, confides: "I feel more comfortable around Mimi than Foley because Mimi doesn't use her teeth when she gives a blowjob."

In a truly hysterical sequence, Mimi runs from Foley, dodging around corners to try to avoid getting caught. C'mon, Mimi! Don't be a wuss! Use some of those 'prestigious' cheerleader kicks on her!

We get YET ANOTHER close-up of the burned pizza. What IS IT with the pizza already?! Is MTV that desperate for drama? It's Pizza Gate '06!

Foley gossips on the phone to a fellow spunk collector about her dry-humping session with DaPlayer: "I don't know if I feel attached to him or not."

[Mom says here: No, you're just a slut.]

Foley continues, "It's good to know my hook-up potential with him."

[Mom says here: He's with that other girl, stupid.]

Mimi scampers out in full butt-jiggle, her pockmarked buttcheeks oozing out of her sullied thong panties.

[Mom says here: Why would you walk around with your butt hanging out? That's just gross.]

Foley, much experienced at mopping up sticky, smelly splatters, mops up the mess in the kitchen. DaPlayer watches her do it.

Foley hangs out in the bathroom while Mimi showers and discovers a...gasp!...hickey on Mimi's nether regions. She demands to know from where the hickey sprangeth. You see, that's why I stopped inviting people to watch me shower. My hickeys=MY business, damn it.

Mimi sputters out the whole sorry story, and...holy hell, people! My mama went on a real bender here! She just can't stand it anymore!

[Mom says here: That boy is nasty! You know, back in my day, girls believed they'd find Prince Charming and be Cinderella. These girls are just Sluterellas! They don't care about finding Prince Charming, they just want to see how many stable hands they can screw on the way to the castle.]

Woo hoo! RW skanks: 0. My mom: 2.

[Mom continues: How can you settle for some scumbag, in bed with two girls on the same night? I didn't hear the word 'condom' used in any of those scenes, either. Them Sluterellas don't have ugly stepsisters, they have ugly sluts in the house. They need mothers watching them instead of cameras!]

Damn, y'all. I seriously think my mama is about to run to Denver and open up a major can of whoop-ass.

Foley and Mimi slobber all over each other, crying and blowing snot bubbles while they swear to never hump the same guy again, and hey, let's be BFF and a bunch of other sickening stuff. They swear eternal love to each other forever and ever, which is RW speak for, I'll toss your ass in a second if there's a chance of a tallywhacker anywhere in my future, bitch.

BFF!

Mimi declares, "I need to stop drinking! It makes me do things I wouldn't do!" Like what, Mimi, being a decent person? You're such a lying asshole! Folks, I am SICK of the liquor excuse used on this show. Trust me, I come from a family of raging alcoholics and when you're drunk, you DAMN WELL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. So stop using it for an excuse.

Mimi gushes, "Things are so great with my BFF right now! Foley will be at my wedding!"

[Mom says here: Nobody will marry you after this.]

DaPlayer gets all defensive with Foley. "How was I supposed to know you like me? Just because you licked my balls and swore eternal devotion? That could mean ANYTHING. How was I supposed to know you liked me?" Well, he has a point. Considering his mental aptitude, Foley should've slipped him a note reading, I like you. Do you like me? Check 'yes' or 'no.' Remember that for next time, Foley.

Foley and TOG hang out in bed together and talk about how DaPlayer has cooties.

DaPlayer calls his mom and actually says--to his MOTHER--"Yo yo, Mama ho, Ize can't control myself with the hos. I'm just a playboy, yo."

Oh no he didn't!

Exactly 13 seconds after Mimi makes her "I'll never drink again" speech, she's guzzling down the hooch at some nasty bar, accompanied by her hooch-swilling roomies. All right, Mimi! Way to stick to your convictions!

Following up on their 'NO MORE MEN!" pact of an hour ago, Mimi and Foley immediately hook up with two scummy guys. After licking the guys' tonsils for thirty seconds, the gals invite them back to the house. They stop numerous times to dry-hump in the street. TOG trails woefully behind. Poor TOG. Better step up the skankiness, TOG, or you ain't never getting any camera time!

Back at the house, Foley is all over the guy she brought home, keeping one eye on DaPlayer in an attempt to make him jealous. Welcome to seventh grade!

TOG wisely advises Foley: "Don't have sex with him."

"I won't, don't worry, nothing will happen!" Foley chirps while simultaneously stripping down to her sullied thong panties and stroking the guy's tallywhacker.

All of the roomies congregate in the hot tub. Oh. My. God. Can you IMAGINE the BACTERIA up in that thing? The horror, the HORROR!!!

Foley drags the bar guy off into her bedroom while a tender song plays in the background, with the crooning lyrics Give your heart to meee... Um, yeah. Her HEART is what she's gonna give him. More like herpes!!

After the guy is done using her sore-riddled body for nefarious purposes, he tells Foley, "I enjoyed meeting you. But not the sex. Skank."

Weak Flame tells Foley, "You have to have standards."

Foley looks at him blankly. "Wanna have sex?"

Weak Flame: "No. Foley, I'm serious. You have to--"

Foley: "You don't have to wear a condom!"

Weak Flame: "I'm gay, you dumb whore."

Foley: "Wanna have sex?"

Foley then LIES HER ASS OFF to the cameras, AS IF we haven't just seen TWO WEEKS of evidence to the contrary: "I don't go past kissing. I like gentlemen." I laughed so hard I think I missed most of the show. I can't...this is so mind-boggling, I have no words. NO WORDS.

And then, AND THEN, she tells us, forgetting what she just said, as well as her tearful love pact with Mimi, "I don't want someone to talk to at night. I want someone to do dirty things with." NO WORDS, people.

And then--in one of the most hysterical sequences ever, DaPlayer claims that he was drunk so anything nice he said to Foley wasn't true, he didn't know what he was saying. How convenient, AFTER he got what he wanted. Seriously. How stupid do these people think we are?

After an awkward pause, DaPlayer says, "I'm going to lay down. The stench of your diseased pink parts is making me sick."

Foley runs to Weak Flame to whine about her sex life. "I don't want a relationship with him anyway. He's immature and his weenie's really small. I know I came on to him and follow him around like a horny dog but that doesn't mean I like him, seriously, I don't. I want to have sex so bad with someone in the house. But not with him and OF COURSE I'd never get with Ponyboy or Thumper because in addition to being a disease-riddled whore I'm also a flaming racist--"

"Wait," Weak Flame interrupts. "You'll scrape the scabs off a tallywhacker with your teeth just to get it stuck into you, but you won't have sex with a black guy?"

Foley: "You SAID I had to have standards. Anyway, I need to have sex with somebody and that just leaves you, and you're gay."

And Weak Flame says, along with every gay man watching this show, and every man who wasn't sure of his sexuality, but thanks to this scene immediately decides to be gay: "Thank God."

We hear you, brothers. We hear you.