Episode Five

This episode was exceptionally lame; therefore, the crapiness of this recap can in no way be blamed on me.

I can't believe how stupid this show is. Here we go again.

We start out with Ponyboy and Weak Flame, cooking ham and talking sex. Well, sure. What goes together better? Ponyboy whines about how he "needs some ass," and Weak Flame offers a brilliant suggestion: "Get some girls."

So everyone heads out to...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR and immediately start getting drunk and stupider. Thumper's all into it and says, "I really like that Ponyboy's into going out and getting girls, because I can tag along and it masks my closeted gayosity like my homophobic posturing never could."

The guys congratulate themselves on causing the dampening of many sullied thong panties there at the bar, AS IF they'd even get a single look if the cameras weren't following them around. Get a clue, dumbasses.

Ponyboy hits on Skank #1 ('Ashley') and she TOTALLY gazes lovingly at the camera before reluctantly turning to Ponyboy. He gets her to write down a series of numbers, most likely her case file number at the Free Clinic.

But one skank is not enough, oh no, not for someone with such mad play-ah skillz! Ponyboy finds a much skankier girl ('Jazelle') and starts annoying her. He apparently prefers Skank #2, and we leave them dry humping in the bar.

Now Weak Flame is on the phone, trying to organize a ski trip for the roomies that will start at 8am the next day. Forget it, Weak Flame. 8am? These assholes will just be draggin' their pockmarked asses home by then, squeezing herpes goo from their sullied thong panties before stumbling into beds with stiff, sticky sheets.

Ponyboy calls Skank #2. Then he calls Skank #1. Are you breathing hard from the excitement yet? I did have to snicker when Skank #1 tells him that she's a flight attendant and may not be in town long. GOOD one, Miss Thang! That way, you can dump him easily when you find out he sucks. Ah, what would gals do without the flight attendant excuse?

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, y'all! Skank #1 asks Ponyboy for a date...and then, AND THEN, Skank #2 asks him for a date...on the same night...AT THE SAME PLACE!!! Oh noes, whatever will Ponyboy do? It's just like on that TV show...you know the one. Really, what are the odds? Apparently, girls with no standards hang out in the same places in this town.

Desperate, (oh noes!) Ponyboy asks DaPlayer for advice. On girls. With a straight face. It's like the time I asked my retarded half-nephew for the meaning of life one day, expecting perhaps a miraculous idiot savant moment, and in response, he drooled and shit his pants. The thing with DaPlayer is like...well yeah, exactly like that time.

Thumper, Weak Flame, and Ponyboy set off for ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR, swaggering their hips in order to mix up a fresh batch of baby batter for that night's cum receptacle fame whores charming young ladies.

Wow. In a moment of breathtaking video technology, MTV puts up both skanks on the screen at the same time, and they aren't even standing next to each other! ('Ashley' on the left, 'Jazelle' on the right.) Split screen skanks!

Thumper begins a heartfelt speech for our benefit: "I'm a wingman. I've been a wingman for several years. I'm good at it, 'cuz I never want the chicks for myself...I like the name 'wingman.' It reminds me of Top Gun, especially the part when all the guys are in the locker room, all bare chested and sweaty and...ah...uh...yeah, I'm a wingman. Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Ponyboy starts yelling rhymes at Skank #2 for some reason. To her credit, she looks disgusted. At the same time Ponyboy is putting the awesome moves on this chick, Thumper invites the OTHER skank back to the house. Oh noes!

Will this much lame posturing existing concurrently with this much skankitude cause some sort of rift in the space time continuum? Be afraid.

Ponyboy finds out Thumper invited Skank #1 to the house and freaks out.

Thumper backs up, his hands up, all defensive: "Whoa. No harm meant. I thought she was a dude."

Ponyboy: "Why would you invite a dude--"

Thumper: "Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Ponyboy demands that Thumper go back and retract the invitation from Skank #1, which Thumper agrees to only after Ponyboy promises him a sound spanking.

Skank #1 is not happy about this, and whines incessantly in a grating Valley Girl voice, "Whyyyyy?"
Showing great poise under pressure, Thumper replies, "Uh...I don't know."
Woo-hoo! Way to be smooth, Thumpster!

[I just now looked at the clock, saw I had eight minutes and seven seconds left until this hell called an episode would be over, and felt ill. I hate these people THAT much.]

Thumper tells us, "Every good wingman knows the rule: bros before hos." And then he immediately walks off with...a group of hos.

Once at the house, Thumper isn't allowed to let Skank #1 in, so he suggests a plan in desperation. "Ponyboy's not in there. Let's stay out here, it's such a beautiful night. Wait, don't go. Want to make out? Yeah sure, we can make out. Only thing is...could you tuck your hair up under a hat, and lower your voice some, and maybe just stuff this sock in your pants...what? What's weird about that? It's no big deal...uh, Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Continuing a dead-on impersonation of my retarded half-nephew, Ponyboy slobbers all over Skank #1 and asks all breathily, "Ya feel me?"

Daaamn, I wish I was on this show at this moment. I'd be all, "Yeah, I feel ya, muthafucker!" while slicing open his belly and pulling out his intestines. "I feel ya!" But maybe that's just me.

Ponyboy keeps babbling 'sweet nothings' that are supposed to trick Skank #1...uh, Jazelle...into bed, but now he sounds like my retarded half-nephew...with Tourette's. Of course, it can't be all that hard to talk the girl into sex. We ARE dealing with the offspring of two people who were too stupid to figure out how to spell 'Giselle.'

Ewww, there's Foley and Mimi. What rock did they crawl out from under?

The next morning, only the roommates who didn't Get Some are awake enough to leave for the 8am ski trip. My heart leaps with joy when it's mentioned that none of them know how to ski. Maybe they'll die! Woo-hoo!

There's a bunch of boring-ass skiing shots...and they're all still alive. Damn you, MTV, for raising a girl's hopes like that.

Thumper bubbles, "Weak Flame is doing phenomenal with his drinking. He hasn't had a drink in like, three whole hours." Yeah. No doubt Weak Flame will be an AA sponsor in no time. Thumper continues, "I hope DaPlayer gets close to Weak Flame like I am. Then we can all be close. Real close, like in the shower, all pressed up against...uh, Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Jazelle comes over to the house again. Ponyboy tries to seduce her again. He fails again. Ha! Ponyboy didn't get any. But the camera guy did, in exchange for a three second close-up on Jazelle. You can see him over in the corner, rubbing his crotch in satisfaction, while Jazelle wipes sticky goo from the corner of her mouth.

Damn it. I thought this was the end. Why is there more? WHY ISN'T THIS SHIT OVER YET?

The roomies are getting ready to go to ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR for something called a 'Sin Party.' They take extra care to dress especially slutty...which means basically, they dress like they do on any other day. The party is boring. There's no Sin to be found, unless lameness counts. There is the threat of yet another drunken fight (yawn) and Weak Flame's all, "Wow, I didn't expect Ponyboy to have my back like that."

To which Thumper replies, "I sure would! I'd have it, and really hard, too."

Weak Flame: "What?"

Thumper: "Uh...Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Back at the house, Ponyboy and Jazelle confess their undying love for each other, for their deep, abiding, solid relationship of...14 hours.

Everybody gets stupider and skankier.

THE END. I cannot take any more.