Episode Five

This episode was exceptionally lame; therefore, the crapiness of this recap can in no way be blamed on me.

I can't believe how stupid this show is. Here we go again.

We start out with Ponyboy and Weak Flame, cooking ham and talking sex. Well, sure. What goes together better? Ponyboy whines about how he "needs some ass," and Weak Flame offers a brilliant suggestion: "Get some girls."

So everyone heads out to...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR and immediately start getting drunk and stupider. Thumper's all into it and says, "I really like that Ponyboy's into going out and getting girls, because I can tag along and it masks my closeted gayosity like my homophobic posturing never could."

The guys congratulate themselves on causing the dampening of many sullied thong panties there at the bar, AS IF they'd even get a single look if the cameras weren't following them around. Get a clue, dumbasses.

Ponyboy hits on Skank #1 ('Ashley') and she TOTALLY gazes lovingly at the camera before reluctantly turning to Ponyboy. He gets her to write down a series of numbers, most likely her case file number at the Free Clinic.

But one skank is not enough, oh no, not for someone with such mad play-ah skillz! Ponyboy finds a much skankier girl ('Jazelle') and starts annoying her. He apparently prefers Skank #2, and we leave them dry humping in the bar.

Now Weak Flame is on the phone, trying to organize a ski trip for the roomies that will start at 8am the next day. Forget it, Weak Flame. 8am? These assholes will just be draggin' their pockmarked asses home by then, squeezing herpes goo from their sullied thong panties before stumbling into beds with stiff, sticky sheets.

Ponyboy calls Skank #2. Then he calls Skank #1. Are you breathing hard from the excitement yet? I did have to snicker when Skank #1 tells him that she's a flight attendant and may not be in town long. GOOD one, Miss Thang! That way, you can dump him easily when you find out he sucks. Ah, what would gals do without the flight attendant excuse?

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, y'all! Skank #1 asks Ponyboy for a date...and then, AND THEN, Skank #2 asks him for a date...on the same night...AT THE SAME PLACE!!! Oh noes, whatever will Ponyboy do? It's just like on that TV show...you know the one. Really, what are the odds? Apparently, girls with no standards hang out in the same places in this town.

Desperate, (oh noes!) Ponyboy asks DaPlayer for advice. On girls. With a straight face. It's like the time I asked my retarded half-nephew for the meaning of life one day, expecting perhaps a miraculous idiot savant moment, and in response, he drooled and shit his pants. The thing with DaPlayer is like...well yeah, exactly like that time.

Thumper, Weak Flame, and Ponyboy set off for ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR, swaggering their hips in order to mix up a fresh batch of baby batter for that night's cum receptacle fame whores charming young ladies.

Wow. In a moment of breathtaking video technology, MTV puts up both skanks on the screen at the same time, and they aren't even standing next to each other! ('Ashley' on the left, 'Jazelle' on the right.) Split screen skanks!

Thumper begins a heartfelt speech for our benefit: "I'm a wingman. I've been a wingman for several years. I'm good at it, 'cuz I never want the chicks for myself...I like the name 'wingman.' It reminds me of Top Gun, especially the part when all the guys are in the locker room, all bare chested and sweaty and...ah...uh...yeah, I'm a wingman. Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Ponyboy starts yelling rhymes at Skank #2 for some reason. To her credit, she looks disgusted. At the same time Ponyboy is putting the awesome moves on this chick, Thumper invites the OTHER skank back to the house. Oh noes!

Will this much lame posturing existing concurrently with this much skankitude cause some sort of rift in the space time continuum? Be afraid.

Ponyboy finds out Thumper invited Skank #1 to the house and freaks out.

Thumper backs up, his hands up, all defensive: "Whoa. No harm meant. I thought she was a dude."

Ponyboy: "Why would you invite a dude--"

Thumper: "Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Ponyboy demands that Thumper go back and retract the invitation from Skank #1, which Thumper agrees to only after Ponyboy promises him a sound spanking.

Skank #1 is not happy about this, and whines incessantly in a grating Valley Girl voice, "Whyyyyy?"
Showing great poise under pressure, Thumper replies, "Uh...I don't know."
Woo-hoo! Way to be smooth, Thumpster!

[I just now looked at the clock, saw I had eight minutes and seven seconds left until this hell called an episode would be over, and felt ill. I hate these people THAT much.]

Thumper tells us, "Every good wingman knows the rule: bros before hos." And then he immediately walks off with...a group of hos.

Once at the house, Thumper isn't allowed to let Skank #1 in, so he suggests a plan in desperation. "Ponyboy's not in there. Let's stay out here, it's such a beautiful night. Wait, don't go. Want to make out? Yeah sure, we can make out. Only thing is...could you tuck your hair up under a hat, and lower your voice some, and maybe just stuff this sock in your pants...what? What's weird about that? It's no big deal...uh, Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Continuing a dead-on impersonation of my retarded half-nephew, Ponyboy slobbers all over Skank #1 and asks all breathily, "Ya feel me?"

Daaamn, I wish I was on this show at this moment. I'd be all, "Yeah, I feel ya, muthafucker!" while slicing open his belly and pulling out his intestines. "I feel ya!" But maybe that's just me.

Ponyboy keeps babbling 'sweet nothings' that are supposed to trick Skank #1...uh, Jazelle...into bed, but now he sounds like my retarded half-nephew...with Tourette's. Of course, it can't be all that hard to talk the girl into sex. We ARE dealing with the offspring of two people who were too stupid to figure out how to spell 'Giselle.'

Ewww, there's Foley and Mimi. What rock did they crawl out from under?

The next morning, only the roommates who didn't Get Some are awake enough to leave for the 8am ski trip. My heart leaps with joy when it's mentioned that none of them know how to ski. Maybe they'll die! Woo-hoo!

There's a bunch of boring-ass skiing shots...and they're all still alive. Damn you, MTV, for raising a girl's hopes like that.

Thumper bubbles, "Weak Flame is doing phenomenal with his drinking. He hasn't had a drink in like, three whole hours." Yeah. No doubt Weak Flame will be an AA sponsor in no time. Thumper continues, "I hope DaPlayer gets close to Weak Flame like I am. Then we can all be close. Real close, like in the shower, all pressed up against...uh, Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Jazelle comes over to the house again. Ponyboy tries to seduce her again. He fails again. Ha! Ponyboy didn't get any. But the camera guy did, in exchange for a three second close-up on Jazelle. You can see him over in the corner, rubbing his crotch in satisfaction, while Jazelle wipes sticky goo from the corner of her mouth.

Damn it. I thought this was the end. Why is there more? WHY ISN'T THIS SHIT OVER YET?

The roomies are getting ready to go to ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...a BAR for something called a 'Sin Party.' They take extra care to dress especially slutty...which means basically, they dress like they do on any other day. The party is boring. There's no Sin to be found, unless lameness counts. There is the threat of yet another drunken fight (yawn) and Weak Flame's all, "Wow, I didn't expect Ponyboy to have my back like that."

To which Thumper replies, "I sure would! I'd have it, and really hard, too."

Weak Flame: "What?"

Thumper: "Uh...Wingman!" (Runs away.)

Back at the house, Ponyboy and Jazelle confess their undying love for each other, for their deep, abiding, solid relationship of...14 hours.

Everybody gets stupider and skankier.

THE END. I cannot take any more.

Episode Three

And here I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than last week's episode. That's what I get for thinking. (Big sigh.) Okay...

The show opens with Mimi donning a pair of sullied thong panties and making the Walk of Shame from DaPlayer's sticky bedsheets. Let's all take a moment to laugh and point, shall we? Go on, do it. Hahahaha! Stupid skank! Hahahaha! All done? Okay, moving on...

[Please note: my mom joined me again for this episode, and thus you shall be privy to more Mom-isms. If you ever doubted just how disgustingly vile this show is, just watch and see what it does to my normally soft-spoken, mild-mannered mommy figure.]

Foley discovers the mess in the kitchen, splattered in a frenzy during the recent loveplay. "Where's Mimi?" asks Foley, playing dumb. She knows Mimi is wrapped in DaPlayer's sticky sheets, but pretends not to know so she won't have to acknowledge the fact that she was tossed aside in favor of an overplucked herpes-ridden skank...in other words, a girl just like herself.

DaPlayer, all sweaty in post-coital bliss, confides: "I feel more comfortable around Mimi than Foley because Mimi doesn't use her teeth when she gives a blowjob."

In a truly hysterical sequence, Mimi runs from Foley, dodging around corners to try to avoid getting caught. C'mon, Mimi! Don't be a wuss! Use some of those 'prestigious' cheerleader kicks on her!

We get YET ANOTHER close-up of the burned pizza. What IS IT with the pizza already?! Is MTV that desperate for drama? It's Pizza Gate '06!

Foley gossips on the phone to a fellow spunk collector about her dry-humping session with DaPlayer: "I don't know if I feel attached to him or not."

[Mom says here: No, you're just a slut.]

Foley continues, "It's good to know my hook-up potential with him."

[Mom says here: He's with that other girl, stupid.]

Mimi scampers out in full butt-jiggle, her pockmarked buttcheeks oozing out of her sullied thong panties.

[Mom says here: Why would you walk around with your butt hanging out? That's just gross.]

Foley, much experienced at mopping up sticky, smelly splatters, mops up the mess in the kitchen. DaPlayer watches her do it.

Foley hangs out in the bathroom while Mimi showers and discovers a...gasp!...hickey on Mimi's nether regions. She demands to know from where the hickey sprangeth. You see, that's why I stopped inviting people to watch me shower. My hickeys=MY business, damn it.

Mimi sputters out the whole sorry story, and...holy hell, people! My mama went on a real bender here! She just can't stand it anymore!

[Mom says here: That boy is nasty! You know, back in my day, girls believed they'd find Prince Charming and be Cinderella. These girls are just Sluterellas! They don't care about finding Prince Charming, they just want to see how many stable hands they can screw on the way to the castle.]

Woo hoo! RW skanks: 0. My mom: 2.

[Mom continues: How can you settle for some scumbag, in bed with two girls on the same night? I didn't hear the word 'condom' used in any of those scenes, either. Them Sluterellas don't have ugly stepsisters, they have ugly sluts in the house. They need mothers watching them instead of cameras!]

Damn, y'all. I seriously think my mama is about to run to Denver and open up a major can of whoop-ass.

Foley and Mimi slobber all over each other, crying and blowing snot bubbles while they swear to never hump the same guy again, and hey, let's be BFF and a bunch of other sickening stuff. They swear eternal love to each other forever and ever, which is RW speak for, I'll toss your ass in a second if there's a chance of a tallywhacker anywhere in my future, bitch.

BFF!

Mimi declares, "I need to stop drinking! It makes me do things I wouldn't do!" Like what, Mimi, being a decent person? You're such a lying asshole! Folks, I am SICK of the liquor excuse used on this show. Trust me, I come from a family of raging alcoholics and when you're drunk, you DAMN WELL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. So stop using it for an excuse.

Mimi gushes, "Things are so great with my BFF right now! Foley will be at my wedding!"

[Mom says here: Nobody will marry you after this.]

DaPlayer gets all defensive with Foley. "How was I supposed to know you like me? Just because you licked my balls and swore eternal devotion? That could mean ANYTHING. How was I supposed to know you liked me?" Well, he has a point. Considering his mental aptitude, Foley should've slipped him a note reading, I like you. Do you like me? Check 'yes' or 'no.' Remember that for next time, Foley.

Foley and TOG hang out in bed together and talk about how DaPlayer has cooties.

DaPlayer calls his mom and actually says--to his MOTHER--"Yo yo, Mama ho, Ize can't control myself with the hos. I'm just a playboy, yo."

Oh no he didn't!

Exactly 13 seconds after Mimi makes her "I'll never drink again" speech, she's guzzling down the hooch at some nasty bar, accompanied by her hooch-swilling roomies. All right, Mimi! Way to stick to your convictions!

Following up on their 'NO MORE MEN!" pact of an hour ago, Mimi and Foley immediately hook up with two scummy guys. After licking the guys' tonsils for thirty seconds, the gals invite them back to the house. They stop numerous times to dry-hump in the street. TOG trails woefully behind. Poor TOG. Better step up the skankiness, TOG, or you ain't never getting any camera time!

Back at the house, Foley is all over the guy she brought home, keeping one eye on DaPlayer in an attempt to make him jealous. Welcome to seventh grade!

TOG wisely advises Foley: "Don't have sex with him."

"I won't, don't worry, nothing will happen!" Foley chirps while simultaneously stripping down to her sullied thong panties and stroking the guy's tallywhacker.

All of the roomies congregate in the hot tub. Oh. My. God. Can you IMAGINE the BACTERIA up in that thing? The horror, the HORROR!!!

Foley drags the bar guy off into her bedroom while a tender song plays in the background, with the crooning lyrics Give your heart to meee... Um, yeah. Her HEART is what she's gonna give him. More like herpes!!

After the guy is done using her sore-riddled body for nefarious purposes, he tells Foley, "I enjoyed meeting you. But not the sex. Skank."

Weak Flame tells Foley, "You have to have standards."

Foley looks at him blankly. "Wanna have sex?"

Weak Flame: "No. Foley, I'm serious. You have to--"

Foley: "You don't have to wear a condom!"

Weak Flame: "I'm gay, you dumb whore."

Foley: "Wanna have sex?"

Foley then LIES HER ASS OFF to the cameras, AS IF we haven't just seen TWO WEEKS of evidence to the contrary: "I don't go past kissing. I like gentlemen." I laughed so hard I think I missed most of the show. I can't...this is so mind-boggling, I have no words. NO WORDS.

And then, AND THEN, she tells us, forgetting what she just said, as well as her tearful love pact with Mimi, "I don't want someone to talk to at night. I want someone to do dirty things with." NO WORDS, people.

And then--in one of the most hysterical sequences ever, DaPlayer claims that he was drunk so anything nice he said to Foley wasn't true, he didn't know what he was saying. How convenient, AFTER he got what he wanted. Seriously. How stupid do these people think we are?

After an awkward pause, DaPlayer says, "I'm going to lay down. The stench of your diseased pink parts is making me sick."

Foley runs to Weak Flame to whine about her sex life. "I don't want a relationship with him anyway. He's immature and his weenie's really small. I know I came on to him and follow him around like a horny dog but that doesn't mean I like him, seriously, I don't. I want to have sex so bad with someone in the house. But not with him and OF COURSE I'd never get with Ponyboy or Thumper because in addition to being a disease-riddled whore I'm also a flaming racist--"

"Wait," Weak Flame interrupts. "You'll scrape the scabs off a tallywhacker with your teeth just to get it stuck into you, but you won't have sex with a black guy?"

Foley: "You SAID I had to have standards. Anyway, I need to have sex with somebody and that just leaves you, and you're gay."

And Weak Flame says, along with every gay man watching this show, and every man who wasn't sure of his sexuality, but thanks to this scene immediately decides to be gay: "Thank God."

We hear you, brothers. We hear you.

It's Coming!

Never fear, RW haters. My vile recap shall appear soon. I had some scheduling snafus last week and won't be able to watch the latest episode until tonight, after which much hatred will spew forth. I suppose I shall utilize a recording device in the future.

Much love,

Me