The show is in Denver this year. Poor Denver.
Oooh, look at the pretty mountains! By the way, all the chicks on this show look alike to me, so if I mix them up, get over it.
We start out with Foley at graduation. She's pulling the Hurricane Katrina card. I swear, EVERY reality show in the past two years has SOMEBODY who uses the hurricane to get on TV. Just TRY to find a show without one of these losers. Way to take advantage of other people's tragedy, Foley! Skank.
Here's Mimi, bragging about being a forty-year-old cheerleader for the 'prestigious' Raiders football team. When I finally stopped laughing, I pondered what sort of qualifications one would need to cheer for a 'prestigious' team rather than all those ordinary ones. Judging by Mimi's appearance, it takes melon-sized fake tits and eyebrows that make you look like an overplucked chicken.
Foley emerges from the airport and meets Ponyboy, who's fresh fromair-conditioned First Class the mean streets of the ghetto. She immediately starts humping his leg. Ponyboy greets her with, "The first thing I'm unpacking is my huge box of condoms! Because I like to make water balloons out of them and drop them on people. My gang used to do that all the time in the ghetto."
"Condoms are too much trouble!" replies Foley. "It's easier just to get some Valtrex." She pulls her sullied thong panties out of her ass crack and cheerfully adds, "Nobody knows me here. Which is great, because nobody knows about the herpes. I should be able to get at least a week of sex in before the sores show up and scare everyone away." She's clutching some sort of huge, dirty, matted teddy bear she must keep on her bed, its fur glistening with the cum stains of a thousand shameful encounters.
TOG and DaPlayer meet. Damn, what is UP with these girls' eyebrows? Somebody hide the tweezers! Um, they probably talk or have sex or something but I think I went to use the bathroom during this part.
Weak Flame and Thumper meet. Oh, my, goodness. The Gay Guy and the Bible Thumper Who Hates Gay Guys just HAPPEN to be paired up. I'm shocked. Shocked, I am! They establish that they both like church. That's all. MTV's sorry attempts at drama fail once again.
They finally get their sorry asses to the house which is, as usual, resplendent in tackiness. One of the girls remarks, "It makes sense to have all the girls in one room. That we can control the outbreaks."
DaPlayer tells us, "I've never lived with a woman before so I'll have to be extra careful about that. Probably shouldn't start anything with my roommates." Which in Real World speak means, I'll be pulling off somebody's sullied thong panties with my teeth in about five seconds.
Weak Flame talks about being gay and how hard it is to be gay sometimes, his parents don't love him because he's gay and church people try to change him because he's gay and it's SO HARD to be gay...but of course, that's what got him on the show. Milk it when it suits you, eh, Weak Flame?
The roomies converge in one room, all together at last. The ensuing conversation goes something like this:
DaPlayer: Yo, yo, bros, what's the dilly yo?
That Other Girl (TOG): Dude, you're white.
DaPlayer: Shut up, honky!
Thumper (pokes Mimi in the eye ): I did that 'cuz the Bible says an eye for an eye!
Mimi: I have eyes! Want me to show you?
DaPlayer: I know what you can show me, sweet thang.
Mimi: I can whistle, and snap my fingers! Want me to show you? Everybody? Look at me, everybody!
Ponyboy: Dang, you all are worse than the people in the ghetto. Where I grew up.
TOG: You don't look like you're from the ghetto.
Ponyboy: I am, totally. I was in a like, gang and everything.
Mimi: Where's your gun? And your bandanna?
Ponyboy: Don't you watch Queer Eye? That look is so over. The ghetto's all about hair gel and manicured nails these days.
DaPlayer: Dude, bro, that's true, bro. 'Cuz I was hangin' there with my homies the other day-
TOG: You're white. And nobody says 'homies' anymore.
DaPlayer: N-word, please! Quit getting up in my grill.
Foley: I don't like grills! You can cook food on grills. Food is bad. Sex is better!
Thumper: I'll bust all your grills, 'cuz I got God on my side!
Mimi: Want to see me stand on my head? Or strip? I'll show you my boobies! Look at me, everybody! Over here!
Weak Flame: You're all stupid! And ugly! I'm gay so I can be bitchy!
TOG: I know plenty of gay guys and they aren't like that.
Weak Flame: Who asked you, loser? That's right, loooooser. You're ugly!
Foley: Somebody have sex with me! All of you have sex with me! And nobody has to use a condom!
Mimi: Watch me, watch me!
Ponyboy: It sure is hard being from the ghetto.
DaPlayer: Yo, yo, there's some fine looking hos in here!
Thumper: I'll smack them hos 'cuz God is on my side!
TOG: How long is this show?
In true Real World tradition, the roomies immediately start getting drunk to make themselves feel prettier and forget, at least for a few precious hours, how sad and pathetic they really are. Hey, roomies: put down that beer and pour yourselves some nice big glasses of self esteem! Or do shots until you barf and drench each other in vomit-scented tongue kissing. Whichever works for you.
How will the roomies spend the rest of the evening? Discussing politics, perhaps? No...it's a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Well, of course. They do have the emotional maturity of twelve-year-olds.They dare each other to do dirty things. They do them. They are delighted with themselves. We are bored.
Hot tub scene! Ponyboy and TOG get all wet and slippery. Then Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...gets in and kisses TOG. Attention, MTV: much like gayness (gayosity?), platonic girl kissing is also not shocking but in fact, rather lame in its ordinariness. Get with it, would ya?
[Please note: my mom came in during this scene, and in an unprecedented move, stayed to watch the rest of the show. Therefore, you will enjoy the rare benefit of Mom-isms in this post.]
Oooh, a darkened bedroom! DaPlayer and Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...wriggle sexually underneath a blanket. Could it be sex? Could it be mere dry humping? Could it be any more boring?
[Mom says here: I'd have been on a plane on the way to kick her ass if I was her mother. Is this a sign of what 20-somethings have to offer these days?]
More drinking and dampening of sullied thong panties ensues. Weak Flame gossips on the phone and the roomies are all eager to find out if anyone is gay. They must be bored.
[Mom says here: I'd be ashamed, if the one time I got to be on TV, the legacy I left was of some street whore.]
In a shocking move, Weak Flame just HAPPENS to reveal his gayness (gayosity?) to the ONE roomie who would have a problem with it...that's right, Thumper! Then they debate religion, which is like two retarded fourth-graders debating booger-eating vs. paste-eating. Oh my, the drama!
The roomies get ready for a night of drunken wantonness. And...HOLY HELL, the make-up on these girls! Guess they lost their make-up brushes and used SPATULAS instead. Between that and the eyebrows, there is some serious ugly going on in this house.
[Mom says here: That one there is about three fries short of a Happy Meal.] Dudes, my mom is DEEP!
Then Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...says, referring to Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts, "She's a genuine good friend! I'd NEVER betray her or go after a guy she likes!" Which in Real World speak, means, I'm throwing that whore to the wolves and sticking my tongue down the throat of any dude she even looks at!
They go to a ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...BAR and immediately start drinking and dry humping. Mimi suggests an orgy or something and Foley's all into it, wanting to hurry before the Valtrex wears out and she's all encrusted in oozing sores.
Foley screams, "I love my roommates!" Which in Real World speak means, Give me two days and I'll stab every one of these assholes in the back!
[Mom says here: They'll all get an STD and then they can make another reality show, one about the hunt for an antibiotic.] Listen up, Real World assholes: my mama just BURNED your asses. BURNED!
DaPlayer and Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...eye each other sexually until they can't resist and fall to the floor in a humping frenzy. After the jeans are creamed and the thong panties are sullied, DaPlayer casually remarks, "I don't want any kind of relationship. I was just using you for a cheap thrill." Then Foley...or Mimi...whichever brunette slut that is, shuffles off in The Walk of Shame. But...returns immediately and does everything possible to attract attention from a man who isn't interested in her. Please, Brunette Slut #2, PLEASE drink a nice tall glass of self-esteem!
[Mom says here: I'd be kicking their asses. They'd be so sorry I was there.]
So DaPlayer hooks up with the OTHER brunette slut...okay, perhaps 'slut' is too harsh, let's call her a skank...and has sex. At least she claims they did, but she didn't realize it. Um...either she's reeeaaaly drunk, or DaPlayer's weenie is reeeaaaly small. Yeah, I bet it's the second one. Way to go, Pencil Dick!
Oh. my. goodness. The pizza is burning! It's burning! And people are having (unrealized, little penis) sex while it's burning! Is this the new version of a fireplace fade or something?
Then DaPlayer and Foley and Mimi eat some pizza and celebrate the conclusion of the first meeting of the Herpes Club.
Hooray!
Oooh, look at the pretty mountains! By the way, all the chicks on this show look alike to me, so if I mix them up, get over it.
We start out with Foley at graduation. She's pulling the Hurricane Katrina card. I swear, EVERY reality show in the past two years has SOMEBODY who uses the hurricane to get on TV. Just TRY to find a show without one of these losers. Way to take advantage of other people's tragedy, Foley! Skank.
Here's Mimi, bragging about being a forty-year-old cheerleader for the 'prestigious' Raiders football team. When I finally stopped laughing, I pondered what sort of qualifications one would need to cheer for a 'prestigious' team rather than all those ordinary ones. Judging by Mimi's appearance, it takes melon-sized fake tits and eyebrows that make you look like an overplucked chicken.
Foley emerges from the airport and meets Ponyboy, who's fresh from
"Condoms are too much trouble!" replies Foley. "It's easier just to get some Valtrex." She pulls her sullied thong panties out of her ass crack and cheerfully adds, "Nobody knows me here. Which is great, because nobody knows about the herpes. I should be able to get at least a week of sex in before the sores show up and scare everyone away." She's clutching some sort of huge, dirty, matted teddy bear she must keep on her bed, its fur glistening with the cum stains of a thousand shameful encounters.
TOG and DaPlayer meet. Damn, what is UP with these girls' eyebrows? Somebody hide the tweezers! Um, they probably talk or have sex or something but I think I went to use the bathroom during this part.
Weak Flame and Thumper meet. Oh, my, goodness. The Gay Guy and the Bible Thumper Who Hates Gay Guys just HAPPEN to be paired up. I'm shocked. Shocked, I am! They establish that they both like church. That's all. MTV's sorry attempts at drama fail once again.
They finally get their sorry asses to the house which is, as usual, resplendent in tackiness. One of the girls remarks, "It makes sense to have all the girls in one room. That we can control the outbreaks."
DaPlayer tells us, "I've never lived with a woman before so I'll have to be extra careful about that. Probably shouldn't start anything with my roommates." Which in Real World speak means, I'll be pulling off somebody's sullied thong panties with my teeth in about five seconds.
Weak Flame talks about being gay and how hard it is to be gay sometimes, his parents don't love him because he's gay and church people try to change him because he's gay and it's SO HARD to be gay...but of course, that's what got him on the show. Milk it when it suits you, eh, Weak Flame?
The roomies converge in one room, all together at last. The ensuing conversation goes something like this:
DaPlayer: Yo, yo, bros, what's the dilly yo?
That Other Girl (TOG): Dude, you're white.
DaPlayer: Shut up, honky!
Thumper (pokes Mimi in the eye ): I did that 'cuz the Bible says an eye for an eye!
Mimi: I have eyes! Want me to show you?
DaPlayer: I know what you can show me, sweet thang.
Mimi: I can whistle, and snap my fingers! Want me to show you? Everybody? Look at me, everybody!
Ponyboy: Dang, you all are worse than the people in the ghetto. Where I grew up.
TOG: You don't look like you're from the ghetto.
Ponyboy: I am, totally. I was in a like, gang and everything.
Mimi: Where's your gun? And your bandanna?
Ponyboy: Don't you watch Queer Eye? That look is so over. The ghetto's all about hair gel and manicured nails these days.
DaPlayer: Dude, bro, that's true, bro. 'Cuz I was hangin' there with my homies the other day-
TOG: You're white. And nobody says 'homies' anymore.
DaPlayer: N-word, please! Quit getting up in my grill.
Foley: I don't like grills! You can cook food on grills. Food is bad. Sex is better!
Thumper: I'll bust all your grills, 'cuz I got God on my side!
Mimi: Want to see me stand on my head? Or strip? I'll show you my boobies! Look at me, everybody! Over here!
Weak Flame: You're all stupid! And ugly! I'm gay so I can be bitchy!
TOG: I know plenty of gay guys and they aren't like that.
Weak Flame: Who asked you, loser? That's right, loooooser. You're ugly!
Foley: Somebody have sex with me! All of you have sex with me! And nobody has to use a condom!
Mimi: Watch me, watch me!
Ponyboy: It sure is hard being from the ghetto.
DaPlayer: Yo, yo, there's some fine looking hos in here!
Thumper: I'll smack them hos 'cuz God is on my side!
TOG: How long is this show?
In true Real World tradition, the roomies immediately start getting drunk to make themselves feel prettier and forget, at least for a few precious hours, how sad and pathetic they really are. Hey, roomies: put down that beer and pour yourselves some nice big glasses of self esteem! Or do shots until you barf and drench each other in vomit-scented tongue kissing. Whichever works for you.
How will the roomies spend the rest of the evening? Discussing politics, perhaps? No...it's a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Well, of course. They do have the emotional maturity of twelve-year-olds.They dare each other to do dirty things. They do them. They are delighted with themselves. We are bored.
Hot tub scene! Ponyboy and TOG get all wet and slippery. Then Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...gets in and kisses TOG. Attention, MTV: much like gayness (gayosity?), platonic girl kissing is also not shocking but in fact, rather lame in its ordinariness. Get with it, would ya?
[Please note: my mom came in during this scene, and in an unprecedented move, stayed to watch the rest of the show. Therefore, you will enjoy the rare benefit of Mom-isms in this post.]
Oooh, a darkened bedroom! DaPlayer and Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...wriggle sexually underneath a blanket. Could it be sex? Could it be mere dry humping? Could it be any more boring?
[Mom says here: I'd have been on a plane on the way to kick her ass if I was her mother. Is this a sign of what 20-somethings have to offer these days?]
More drinking and dampening of sullied thong panties ensues. Weak Flame gossips on the phone and the roomies are all eager to find out if anyone is gay. They must be bored.
[Mom says here: I'd be ashamed, if the one time I got to be on TV, the legacy I left was of some street whore.]
In a shocking move, Weak Flame just HAPPENS to reveal his gayness (gayosity?) to the ONE roomie who would have a problem with it...that's right, Thumper! Then they debate religion, which is like two retarded fourth-graders debating booger-eating vs. paste-eating. Oh my, the drama!
The roomies get ready for a night of drunken wantonness. And...HOLY HELL, the make-up on these girls! Guess they lost their make-up brushes and used SPATULAS instead. Between that and the eyebrows, there is some serious ugly going on in this house.
[Mom says here: That one there is about three fries short of a Happy Meal.] Dudes, my mom is DEEP!
Then Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...says, referring to Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts, "She's a genuine good friend! I'd NEVER betray her or go after a guy she likes!" Which in Real World speak, means, I'm throwing that whore to the wolves and sticking my tongue down the throat of any dude she even looks at!
They go to a ...get ready for it, it's a shocker...BAR and immediately start drinking and dry humping. Mimi suggests an orgy or something and Foley's all into it, wanting to hurry before the Valtrex wears out and she's all encrusted in oozing sores.
Foley screams, "I love my roommates!" Which in Real World speak means, Give me two days and I'll stab every one of these assholes in the back!
[Mom says here: They'll all get an STD and then they can make another reality show, one about the hunt for an antibiotic.] Listen up, Real World assholes: my mama just BURNED your asses. BURNED!
DaPlayer and Foley...or Mimi...one of the brunette sluts...eye each other sexually until they can't resist and fall to the floor in a humping frenzy. After the jeans are creamed and the thong panties are sullied, DaPlayer casually remarks, "I don't want any kind of relationship. I was just using you for a cheap thrill." Then Foley...or Mimi...whichever brunette slut that is, shuffles off in The Walk of Shame. But...returns immediately and does everything possible to attract attention from a man who isn't interested in her. Please, Brunette Slut #2, PLEASE drink a nice tall glass of self-esteem!
[Mom says here: I'd be kicking their asses. They'd be so sorry I was there.]
So DaPlayer hooks up with the OTHER brunette slut...okay, perhaps 'slut' is too harsh, let's call her a skank...and has sex. At least she claims they did, but she didn't realize it. Um...either she's reeeaaaly drunk, or DaPlayer's weenie is reeeaaaly small. Yeah, I bet it's the second one. Way to go, Pencil Dick!
Oh. my. goodness. The pizza is burning! It's burning! And people are having (unrealized, little penis) sex while it's burning! Is this the new version of a fireplace fade or something?
Then DaPlayer and Foley and Mimi eat some pizza and celebrate the conclusion of the first meeting of the Herpes Club.
Hooray!
